


You'll Never See It Rolling! - A Persona 5/D&D Story

by insert_name_here92



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Persona 5
Genre: AU - kind of, Action/Adventure, Comedy, Gen, Post-Game(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-11-19 14:25:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11315256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insert_name_here92/pseuds/insert_name_here92
Summary: The Shogi Queen Hifumi Togo has developed a keen interest in a game which fits her more dramatic personality: Dungeons & Dragons. Unfortunately, she doesn't have many friends who want to join her. However, her shogi partner and Confidant, Ren Amamiya, brings his friends for some D&D shenanigans.





	1. The Pungent Stench of Mildew

There was a church in Kanda, and it was hosting a holy war.

Hifumi Togo’s fist was beneath her chin. Her normally composed face was all wrinkles from contemplation, her brow sweaty. She was feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable as she found herself without many of her pieces. Damn, she thought to herself. If he’s nervous, he isn’t showing it. She glanced over at her opponent, Ren Amamiya. His customary smoothness was on full-display, his eyes glinting with cunning behind his glasses. He gave a smug smile and checked his watch. “Can we hurry this up, Hifumi-chan? I’ve got a hot date tonight.” Hifumi snorted. “Your psychological games may work on a lesser opponent, Trickster. But you’re up against a queen tonight!” With dramatic gusto, Hifumi slammed down her bishop, entrapping Ren’s king. His smug smile gave way to an ashen expression. He glanced around the board, desperately looking for another move he could make. Seeing none, he conceded defeat.

  
“You win again, Hifumi.” He was back to his usual self: cool, calm, and polite. He extended a hand in respect. “It’s always a pleasure to play against you. Even if I always lose.”  
Hifumi blushed and found herself torn back to reality as well. “Oh, please don’t be discouraged, Ren!” She said, affecting her usual graceful self. “I quite enjoy playing against you. You always offer a significant challenge. You could probably go pro yourself if you wanted.” Ren let out a warm laugh. “I think my life is kind of full even without shogi. Thanks again!” He gathered his backpack and prepared to leave the church. He was then stopped by Hifumi, who grabbed his arm.

  
“Eh?” said Ren. “What’s up?”

  
“Oh, it’s nothing too much. It’s just, ummm…” The shogi queen paused, gathering her thoughts. “It’s just that… I really enjoy playing shogi. But, as of late, I’ve been quite enraptured with other games as well. And I was wondering…” She paused. Hifumi was someone who wasn’t ready to speak unless she had the exact proper words she wanted to use. “Ren, do you enjoy tabletop role-playing games?”

  
“I’ve dabbled. Why?”

  
“Well, I’ve been studying the rules of Dungeons & Dragons lately. It… it seemed like it might fit my more… dramatic side.” She giggled slightly. “I have few friends at Kosei who are interested in playing. I figured you might be interested, however.” She gazed into the boy's face. Warm eyes and a kind smile gazed back at her.

  
“Yeah. I think that sounds fun.” He said. “You mentioned you didn’t have many friends at Kosei?”

  
“Not many who are interested or available, no.”

  
“Mind if I invite a few?”

 

  
\--- 

Ren: Hey, everyone.

  
Ren: Quick question: anyone here play D&D?

  
Futaba: Oooh! Mememememe!

  
Ren: Besides Futaba, I mean.

  
Ann: D&D? What’s that?

  
Yusuke: I believe it stands for Dungeons & Dragons.

  
Makoto: Dungeons & Dragons? Doesn’t really sound like my thing.

  
Ryuji: Why, Makoto? You scaaaarrrrreeddd? 

  
Makoto: Don’t be ridiculous! It just seems a bit out of my wheelhouse is all.

  
Haru: I have heard of it somewhat. You have someone called a Dungeon Master who comes up with a fantasy story and setting. You and a few other players create characters to act out an adventure together.

  
Haru: I must say, it sounds quite fun!

  
Makoto: An adventure together? Like when we were Phantom Thieves?

  
Futaba: Yeah! I’ve played some games online. It’s a blast! ^_^

  
Yusuke: It does seem like something that requires quite a bit of creative expression.

  
Ann: When would it be?

  
Ren: This weekend. Are we all free?

  
Ann: Oh, man. I have an all-day photoshoot, and I have a date afterwards.

  
Ryuji: A date? Who with?

  
Ann: That’s a secret.

  
Ryuji: LLLAAAAMMMMEEEE

  
Ren: What about you, Ryuji? You interested?

  
Ryuji: Sorry. I got a job with weird scheduling. You’re gonna have to count me out, too.

  
Ren: Anyone else?

  
Haru: I have no plans this weekend!

  
Yusuke: Neither do I.

  
Futaba: And I’m always down to do something geeky!

  
Ren: Makoto?

  
Makoto: …

  
Makoto: Yeah, why not? It sounds fun.

  
Ren: All right, then. Yusuke, Futaba, Makoto, Haru, and I will be joining Hifumi Togo for a game of Dungeons & Dragons.

  
Futaba: Hifumi Togo? The shogi champ?

  
Ren: She’s our DM.

  
Futaba: Aw, man. This just keeps getting better and better!

  
Yusuke: I shall be seeing you all this weekend.

  
Haru: As will I. I’m so excited!

  
Ryuji: Have fun you guys!

  
Ann: Same!

  
Futaba: I get to watch crappy movies with you tonight and go play D&D this weekend? You spoil me, pretty boy!

  
Futaba: (>3<)(>3<)(>3<)

 

* * *

 

Ren blushed at Futaba’s text. Damn, that girl’s so cute I might die, he thought to himself. “A weekend of D&D…” Ren said out loud. “I wonder what that’ll be like.” He glanced at Morgana in his bag. “You didn’t say anything the whole time I was texting. Any thoughts?” Morgana glanced up at him. “I’ve had enough of monster hunting in Mementos and treasure hunting in Palaces.” He yawned. “As it stands, I just want naps and sushi. You go have fun tomorrow.” Morgana curled up in Ren’s bag and fell to sleep.

* * *

 

   
“This thing’s harder to navigate than the Meta-Nav,” Makoto muttered to herself.

Though she prided herself on her sense of direction, the fastidious honor student still had trouble following her phone’s guidance. When the group was debating where to hold their first session, Haru kindly offered her services. “We’ve opened a Big Bang Burger in Koshigaya. We can have the upstairs to ourselves if we want. Plus, we get free food when we’re hungry!”

  
“Sounds perfect. How can we find it?”

  
“Oh, you’ll know it when you find it. It’s a little fancier than the other ones.” That is, if I find it. Makoto thought to herself. Despite being much smaller than Shibuya, she had a much more difficult time navigating this city. It didn't help that according to her Big Bang Burger app, there were at least four different restaurants in the area. The first two were fairly typical restaurants. The third had been closed down. She sighed. “If I can't find it soon, I'm calling it quits.” She was resting in front of a museum when she idly checked her phone. It said that she was at the final Big Bang Burger. “This museum?” Makoto said to herself. “But...” Makoto glanced up and widened her eyes in shock.

  
What Haru called “a little fancier” was an understatement. This Big Bang Burger was built in a classic architectural style, looking less like a fast food restaurant and more like a temple. The roof was built in a hip-and-gable style that gave the building an air of dignity. The white facade practically shimmered in the moonlight. The massive glass windows on the top and bottom floor gave a view into the eating quarters. Just from the outside, Makoto felt that her casual white dress left her massively underdressed.

  
“It's still just a Big Bang Burger,” Makoto said to herself. “It's not Sukiyabashi Jiro. I won't be cowed.” When she entered, Makoto did, in fact, feel cowed. The tables were walnut and adorned with candles. The leather chairs looked so cozy that they would kiss you good night. A massive mural depicting The Creation of Adam adorned the wall in the distance. Makoto heard soft music playing, and glanced over to... “Is that a piano player? In a Big Bang Burger?!” she said out loud. At that moment, she realized something. This wasn’t a restaurant. This was a shrine built in honor of the gods of fast food. She made her way to the maitre'd (A maitre'd! She thought. What?!) and cleared her throat. The maitre'd, a slightly bored-looking woman in her mid-twenties, glanced up at Makoto.

  
“Can I help you, miss?”

  
“Ah, yes. I’m here for the Togo party?”

  
The maitre'd offered a quizzical look. “Who?”

  
Makoto sighed. She'd only met Hifumi once, and she seemed like a kind person, but she was already ruing the young woman for making her do this. She massaged the bridge between her eyebrows and pulled out her phone, checking the text she had been sent.

  
“I mean, 'I’m here to pay my respects to the Dungeon Master.'”

  
The maitre'd grinned slightly. “Ah, yes. The tavern is just up the way, miss.”

  
The maitre'd had Makoto follow her to the back of the restaurant, behind a red curtain, where she gestured to a spiral staircase. The maitre'd gave a slight bow.

  
“The dungeon master will see you shortly.”

  
Makoto sighed as the maitre'd let out a laugh. _This is so ridiculous,_ she thought to herself. Once she arrived at the top of the stairs though, her thoughts immediately changed.

  
The top floor of the restaurant was reserved entirely for the party in question. Yusuke sat quietly in his chair, his hands pressed against his mouth in contemplation, while his fingers would occasionally fish out a French fry from his order. Futaba was gazing lovingly into Ren’s eyes, both of them laughing as Ren brought her hand up to kiss it. She kissed Ren's lips and turned her attention to her order: a large burger, large fries, an order of chicken nuggets, and a milkshake. “How does someone so small consume so much?” Makoto asked herself as Futaba quickly began the work of devouring her food. She quickly turned her gaze over to Haru, who was excitedly peppering another girl with questions. “So, we're all adventurers? Do I get to do whatever I want? Can I wield all manner of deadly weaponry? Oh, this all seems positively splendid!” Makoto saw that the girl Haru was interrogating was Hifumi. As always, a beautiful, graceful woman, she had seated herself at the head of the table behind a Game Master’s screen. Even in this quite geeky setting, she projected an air of authority.

  
“Oh, my, fellow adventurers. Gaze yonder. Our final traveler has arrived.” Hifumi stated. Her voice, while soft, was rich and confident. Immediately, all of the other members snapped to attention. Even Makoto found herself on the spot, thinking that this young woman took to the role of commander even more naturally than she did.

  
“Hi Mafofo!” Said Futaba, her mouth full of cheeseburger.

  
“Sorry, I was held up by cram school.” Makoto said.

  
“It’s quite all right, Makoto. Idle chitchat is the spice of life.” Yusuke declared.

  
Makoto took a vacant seat and cleared her throat. “So, uh, how do we get started?”

  
“Oh! Yes. I took the liberty of printing all of these out for you.”

  
Hifumi passed several sheets of paper to each of the attendants. Makoto pored over the paper, which was much more detailed and painstaking than she had previously thought. Levels, names, skills, and…

  
“What does it mean by ‘race’?” asked Yusuke.

  
“It means that you choose the race that would best suit your playstyle.” responded Hifumi.

  
“I see. Then should I choose black, white, Latino…”

  
A palpable silence descended over the party. It was going to be a long session.  
 


	2. I've Got My Twelve-Sided Die and I'm Ready to Roll

Makoto idly pushed her character sheet around with her index finger, observing the scene before her. Ordinarily, she'd be a little impatient about how much time this was taking, but she was enjoying Futaba and Hifumi's conversation too much. 

Hifumi massaged the bridge between her brows. "For the last time Futaba, you can't play a Lawful Good Necromancer."

Futaba puffed her cheeks. "Why not?! It's a perfectly valid take on the class and alignment!"

Hifumi sighed and glanced at the red-haired girl. "Because the idea of one who is Lawful Good is someone who adheres to a code of conduct laid before them and uses that code to enforce a morally good end. They're moral authorities like Superman or, uh..." she indicated Makoto. "Or Makoto-senpai over there." Makoto blushed slightly, flattered at being used as an example of moral authority. "There really isn't anything Lawfully Good about violently ripping the dead from their eternal slumber."

"But..." 

Ren stepped in, ever the diplomat. "How about we let her play a warlock?" He turned to Futaba with a thoughtful expression. "You can learn 'Turn Undead,' which can have the undead follow you. You still get undead spells, and you can still play a Good-aligned character. Plus, you get Eldritch spells, which kinda syncs up with your... interests." Ren raised his eyebrows to his hacker girlfriend as she rolled her eyes.

"I think that's a terrific idea! Don't you?" Hifumi interjected quickly, glancing at Futaba. The shogi queen's brows crinkled in anxiety. She seemed to be saying, 'Please let us play this game already.' Futaba pressed her tiny hand to her mouth, contemplating her boyfriend's suggestion. "Hmmm..." She tapped her foot for a bit, before finally glancing up and smiling. "Well... alright. If it'll make pretty boy over here happy." She kissed him on the mouth while Hifumi sighed in relief. After spending a few moments getting her stats in shape, Futaba triumphantly placed her character sheet down with a smile.

"All done!" She declared with joy. Hifumi pulled a legal pad out with the character information on them. 

"All right, excellent. Before we begin, I just want to make sure we all have our character information together." She began by indicating Ren, "Ren, you will be playing the Elven rogue Gingko," Ren nodded, after which she turned to Yusuke. "Yusuke, you will be playing the halfling bard Norimasa,"

"Indeed." Yusuke declared. He pressed his hand to his chest. "When it comes to artistic expression, music is as beautiful form as..."

"Moving along..." said Hifumi, clearly used to dealing with Yusuke's more flamboyant personality. "Futaba, you will be playing as the dwarven warlock Corinda." Futaba sighed.

"I guess. I still think I should have been able to be a Necromancer."

Hifumi ignored her grumbling and turned to Haru. "Haru, you are the half-orc barbarian Tevaga the Disgraced." Haru clapped her hands in excitement. "Certainly! I cannot wait to embark on my journey of redemption with you all!"

Hifumi smiled and finally turned to Makoto. "And Makoto. You will be playing the human paladin..." She lowered one eyebrow and raised the other, closely scrutinizing the character sheet. She pulled it away from her face and scratched her head. "...'Jane'?"

The rest of the party glanced at her. Futaba was the first to speak up. "'Jane'? That's what you went with?"

Makoto glanced at the rest of the party members, a bit surprised at their surprise. "It's a world of imagination. I thought I would go with something imaginative!"

"But instead of that, you went with 'Jane'?"

Makoto felt her face get red. "I'm just not that great at making up names, all right? I don't have to answer to you."

She felt a pat on her shoulder. She turned to see the smiling face of Haru. "It's alright, Mako-chan. We can name our characters whatever we want. That's the point of D&D!"

Makoto felt a surge of pride in her chest. She was so lucky to have Haru as a friend. "After all, not everyone is great at coming up with creative names. It just goes to show your strengths lie elsewhere!" And the honor student immediately felt deflated. Thanks for that, Haru.

"Excuse me," Hifumi said in a flat but firm voice that immediately commanded attention. "I believe it is time for us to get started."

The table all pulled their chairs up. Hifumi reached down and pulled up a speaker and a smart phone. She turned on the phone and placed it on the docket. Ambient sound effects began to pour forth from the speaker.

The voice Hifumi then spoke with was not her regular speaking voice nor even the voice she used to command attention. It was deep and rich, something that sounded less like it was coming from a high school student and more from someone who spoke on the radio for a living.

"We begin, as most of these stories do, on a journey..."

* * *

The realm of Kandahar is one that is known for beauty and wonder. But much like an ornate dagger, it hides a deadliness beneath its beauty. The origins of this land have been etched in mystery since the dawn of recorded history. Dating back to the first age in 200 BCE, Kandahar has been a country that has long resisted the temptations of civilization. Cities are few and far between, and the realm is instead one of rolling hills, towering mountains, and skeletons of gods. Towering bone structures litter the landscapes, places where only the bravest of travelers dare dwell. Over these lands, a dictatorship rules with an iron fist. Beginning at the dawn of the second age, a man known as...

* * *

 "Paging Captain Exposition. Captain Exposition of the SS Big Bang Burger!"

Hifumi paused and lowered the paper she was reading. "Yes, Futaba?"

"Is this going somewhere? Generally speaking, you're supposed to jump in the action as soon as possible."

"But this is important. I'm setting up the world that you are all inhabiting."

"That's true," offered Makoto, "but I think the point of a good game session is to actually have something to play."

"Besides," Yusuke said. "I believe that there are details that can show us what this world is like rather than just telling us."

"But..."

  
Futaba interjected. "I mean, could you imagine playing an RPG where control is taken away from the player for like an hour just to explain how everything works? No one would buy it."

Ren raised his hand. "If it's important, you can always bring in details through other characters like scholars or historians."

"And Tevaga no understand big words!" said Haru, already getting into character. 

Hifumi breathed out. "All right," she said. "I guess we can just cut right to the chase."

* * *

You are in a prison. Why you're there doesn't really matter. All that does matter is that, for one reason or another, you stood up for something. Maybe it was for your duty. Maybe it was for love. Maybe you just stood up for yourself. Nevertheless, you're all here together. A rogue, a warlock, a bard, a paladin, and a barbarian. Based on your backgrounds, you may all ready know why you're there. The prison is one that has stood for centuries, built to house the most dangerous of dissidents and those who oppose the reign of Emperor Kagutsuchi.

A guard enters your holding cells, certain to begin your interrogation when...

* * *

"TEVAGA ROLLS TO BREAK FREE!" Haru slammed her hands down on the table, causing everyone to jump. Hifumi shrugged her shoulders and handed Haru a D20.

"You may role, Haru. But know this: the bars are made of reinforced steel, so you'll have to roll an 18 or above to... 20." Hifumi shrugged once again.

* * *

Tevaga the Disgraced easily breaks forth from her binds, temporarily scaring the guard. She smiles in triumph. "NOW TASTE WRATH OF ORC, TINY HUMAN! CAST SLEEP!" Tevaga cast her arms forward, with the rest of the party (and the guard) staring in disbelief. _Did this orc barbarian truly know magic?_   They all wonder. Tevaga herself looks confused as well, and promptly bonks the guard on the head, knocking him out. "Tevaga no need magic to make humans fall asleep!" The orc roars in victory. The party members around her all clap, impressed. "Way to go, Tevaga!" shouts the warlock Corinda. "Now, if you'd be so kind as to help the rest of us." Tevaga turns to face her, an evil glint in her eye. "Who said anything about helping you? Tevaga only in it for herself. You can all go straight to hell for all Tevaga cares!"

* * *

 

"Wait, what?!" Futaba angrily called for a time-out. Haru promptly returned to her prim-and-proper self.

"Oh, yes? What is it, Futaba-chan?"

"It's just that, we're a party, aren't we? Aren't you supposed to help us?"

"That's certainly true when we're Phantom Thieves. But right now, I'm playing a Chaotic Neutral barbarian orc. While I wouldn't kill you, I doubt I would let you go free either."

Makoto felt herself coming in to Futaba's defense. "Haru, I understand you want to roleplay seriously, but be reasonable."

Haru for the first time was becoming heated. "When Hifumi-chan asked us to roll up our characters, she asked us to choose our alignments as well. Hifumi, what was the rule you said?"

Hifumi was surprised at being put on the spot. "Oh! Errr... I said no evil characters."

"Precisely! No evil characters! I wouldn't dream of playing an evil character. But this character here is, at the very least, self-serving. And right now I'm behaving as self-serving as one would..."

"Uh, you guys?" Ren cleared up the table. "While you guys were arguing, I took the liberty of rolling a few lockpick checks. I got us all freed. I'm a rogue, remember?"

There was another silence. "Oh," said Haru. "Right." 

"So, now we're all free." said Ren. "What now?"

Hifumi glanced back at her sheets. She tossed a few away. "Moving right along."

* * *

 

"Tevaga hopes that there are no hard feelings among the group." The party sighs and rolls their eyes. They glance to their leader. "What's the plan, Mr..."

"Gingko," says the Elven rogue. "And the plan is for us to take the guard's keys and leave this cell."

"Right," they all say in unison. Gingko opens the door to the rejoicing of the group. The halfling speaks up.

"I must say, I am so pleased with this turn of events that I shall write a song of our escape right now!"

The paladin rolls her eyes. "You really don't have to..." But it was too late. Inspiration has a habit of striking bards at the worst of times.

_The Bravely Bold Party dashed forth from their cell,_

_They were not all afraid to run straight into hell!_

_To run into the arms of certain doom, and surely, surely die_

_In their hearts the Party's bravery does lie!_

_Ohhhh..._

* * *

 

"That's enough singing for now, Yusuke." Ren placed a hand on the artist's shoulder.

"Though you do have a lovely voice, Yusuke-kun." Haru said in approval.

"Thank you, Haru! It's not really a focus of mine, but I do enjoy singing to myself from time to time."

"Please be focused." stated Hifumi, clearly having her patience tried. "There is still much to be done in this level!"

* * *

 

"I got it!" declares the cleric. The party turns to face her.

"What did you have in mind, miss...?" asks Gingko.

"Corinda. And, it's this... these are all political prisoners, right? I mean, I was in for running an underground hospital for people who couldn't afford it."

The paladin speaks up. "I, Jane the Paladin..."

* * *

 

The table snickered as Makoto said her line. She sighed, then went back into the game.

* * *

 

"I, Jane, spoke up against my fellow paladins against laws that were not just. The law is meant to protect, not oppress."

The rogue speaks next. "I stole for an orphanage. They sentenced me to twenty years for a loaf of bread."

"I sang songs which mocked the king," says the bard. "I could sing another ri..."

"And you?" says Jane. "What did you do, Tevaga?"

"Me in for destruction of property and arson. But me am sure that people deserved it."

The party looks at one another. "Sure, why not?" says Jane.

"Yeah!" shouts Corinda, pumping her fist in excitement. "So, let's free them all!"

***

Freeing them all proves to be an enormous mistake. Pandemonium soon becomes the name of the scene. Prisoners savagely beat their captors as guards try desperately to prevent any further escapes. From below, the animal cells have been opened, with all manner of savage beasts crawling, running, or flying across the walls of the prison. To call the scene a riot would be a gross misuse of the word "riot." It's more accurate to describe the scene as that of bedlam, a world that has its rules completely turned upside down. Naturally, this makes for an effective scene for the party to make its escape.

* * *

 

Hifumi glanced at her pile of notes, her eye twitching slightly. She stood up, her body apoplectic. "I... I'm sorry. I just... I need a moment." She got up and left the scene, leaving the rest of the Thieves behind. They all glanced at each other.

"Do you think Hifumi is all right?" Makoto asked Ren. He grimaced, his finger to his lips.

"I've seen her like this before. It's usually when she feels a shogi game isn't going her way, she then might..." Ren paused and looked up. "Oh, fuck..." he whispered.

They all glanced up, seeing the silhouette of Hifumi in the doorway near the stairwell. She entered, her previously quivering body now a model of discipline. As Makoto eyed her figure, she noticed a distinct change in her appearance. Her colorful sweater was now over her shoulder, replaced by a black tanktop that showed off a muscular physique. The honor student privately gasped. Hifumi had seemed so lithe a figure, but she could now see that her arms were wired with muscle. She dramatically took her place at the head of the table, and cracked her neck and knuckles.

"OK," she said. "I think I understand the kind of party I'm going to be playing with now. But if that's the case," she pulled out a hair ribbon and pulled her long black hair back. "You should know what kind of DM you're playing with." She pulled her hair back in a ponytail, her long black bangs pulled from her face. Her eyes were narrowed, her expression one of cold determination. Makoto felt a chill run down her spine as she glanced at her fellow party members. The Phantom Thieves had faced down all manner of life-threatening foes before and had changed the course of the world at large. Ren in particular had borne some of the worst punishment that could have been dealt to a human, facing down interrogations, betrayals, and finally putting a stop to a literal god. And here, he looked absolutely terrified, as did the rest of Thieves. Except for Haru, who once again clapped her hands in excitement.

"Oh, my! This is turning out to be far more thrilling than I thought!"

Makoto gulped. It certainly was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took far longer than I wished. But whatever! It's here now. Also: my knowledge of D&D rules is very rusty, so if anyone would like to offer corrections or advice, I'm all ears.


	3. The Gang Hits the Road

In her brief career as a paladin, Jane has visited many a jail cell. It comes with the territory when one was protecting the innocent: those who would do harm to others need to be put away for the betterment of society. However, this day was the first time she had been on the other side of the cell. And she is certainly more used to preventing breakouts rather than orchestrating them.

And one thing she is certainly not used to is being one of the hitchhiking convicts so frequently warned about in signs outside of prisons. 

"BUT ME DESTROY SIGN. IT ALL GOOD!" Declares Tevaga, giving an enthusiastic thumbs up.

"That's not the point," Jane says with a sigh. "I just... I wanted to be a figure of good in this world. I never thought I'd be an outlaw."

She feels a small hand on her back, turning to the stony expression of the halfling bard. "You are a paladin, yes?"

"Obviously."

"Sworn to uphold the laws of justice?"

"Of course."

"Well, there you have it. All of us," Norimasa glances at Tevaga, who gives an enthusiastic wave. The musician snorts. " _Most_ of us, at least, have done nothing wrong. When a paladin swears to uphold justice, what good is it if the very laws themselves are unjust?"

Jane pauses, mulling over this particular bit of wisdom. Norimasa continues. "We're all working to bring freedom to these lands. But with that freedom must also come protection. We're here to bring justice to these people." He pats Jane on the shoulder once more. "You're here to make sure it stays that way."

As Norimasa briskly walks to join his companions (the warlock and the barbarian are arguing over the best way to hitch a ride, with Corinda arguing for charming and paying someone, while Tevaga said they should simply bonk him on the head. "NO DEAD! JUST BIG CONCUSSION!"), Jane sat on her knees and quietly offered a prayer of thanks to her god Tyr, thanking him for offering someone of clear-mindedness.

* * *

 

"I never thought I'd hear the words Inari's name and 'clear-headed' in the same sentence." Futaba stated, breaking the immersion.

"Excuse me, I thought I genuinely just had a genuinely moving moment of role-playing there!" Yusuke responded.

"Yeah, but... suspension of disbelief and all that, y'know?"

"Hmph. At least I've offered more for role-playing than acerbic commentary, you little gadfly."

Hifumi grabbed the D20. "I roll to kick Inari in the shin!" She rolled. "13! More than enough!"

"Aren't we supposed to be figuring out transportation?" asked Makoto, rubbing the bridge between her eyes.

"Honestly? I'm just taking bets right now. Twenty yen on Corinda." Ren said, offering an open palm in front of Makoto. Makoto shook her head and turned to Haru.

"Haru pl-"

"FIGHT, TINY HUMANS! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Haru pumped her fists.

"...Right. I forgot."

Just when it seemed like there would have to be some actual intervention, Hifumi's voice cut through the bickering like a knife. "As you quarreled amongst yourselves, a traveler in a cart comes upon you."

* * *

 

"Why, hello there, weary travelers!"

The gang quickly pulls themselves together (as Corinda hastily pulls her thumbs out of Norimasa's cheeks) and stands at attention for the merchant before them.

"I see you all look positively exhausted. Haven't you heard that there was a breakout from the local prison?"

Gingko awkwardly coughs as the rest of the group looks aside. Jane takes the time to speak up. "It is true. We are quite exhausted from days of traveling. If we give you a small fee, would you mind taking us."

"Heck, I'm just heading on down to town, which ain't but five kilometers from here. I can take y'all that far. Hop on!"

The party, grateful for travel that was bereft of struggle, happily accepts his invitation. While the straw lining the cart hardly make for comfortable seating, it was nevertheless preferable to hoofing it the whole way. As the leisurely sights of the forest pass them by, Gingko nudges his companion. 

"Hey, Jane?"

"Yes?"

"Does any of this seem a bit... funny, to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... we just  _happen_ to be wandering along, we need a ride, and then a kindly old man just  _happens_ to find us, just  _happens_ to be heading down to a town where we can find room and board? I'm not sure..." The rogue begins fiddling with a lock of his messy hair. "It just feels like there is something missing from this whole equation."

Jane pauses, a hand pressed to her mouth. It was true that the man was acting a bit friendlier than she thought was necessary. And how, exactly, did he know about the riot that just happened? Nevertheless, she decided to play her cards close to her chest.

"You're probably right. But for now, I believe that we should present one hand and arm the other. Worst comes to worst and all that, you know?"

Gingko pauses, bites his lip, and nods. "You seem to know what you're doing."

Jane gazes at the scenery. She certainly hopes so.

* * *

 

Makoto glanced at Hifumi, who made no attempt to correct her. Her index fingers were pressed together against her lips, the cogs in her head turning. Slowly, a smirk crawled across the shogi champion's face, followed by a nod, and a click of her ballpoint pen. She penned a few notes in her notebook, not even glancing up at the table. The room was silent save for the scratches of pen to paper. She closed the notebook and looked back at the party, a look of surprise on her face.

"What are my fine young players waiting for? Aren't we going to continue?"

Makoto nodded and glanced back at Ren, still the picture of calmness and collectiveness. Underneath the table, though, she could see that the Phantom Thieves' leader was tightly gripping Futaba's hand, just as much for his own assurance as it was for hers.

"You arrive..." Hifumi continued again. "At the local tavern..."

* * *

 

Tevaga is the first to exit, the weight of the cart noticeably shifting as she exits it. She is followed by Gingko, who extends his hand for Corinda. Norimasa hops excitedly from his perch and heads straight into the tavern without waiting for the rest of the party. Jane exits last, once again offering a prayer to her gods as she looks at the local watering hole. A charming, rustic abode, the sign is written in a name that she cannot understand. 

"Excuse me, mister coach driver?" Jane asks. "What is the name of that tavern?"

The coach driver is preparing to leave when he turns to her. "Oh, this?" he says. "Why, that's the Slaughtered Lamb. It's been an institution for our town for generations!"

Jane paused. "The... the what now?"

"The Slaughtered Lamb! The name is a bit off-putting I know, but, believe me: it's an improvement over the original name."

"Oh?"

"The Severed Head."

Before she can ask another question, the merchant has already ridden off. Jane stares back into the door of the tavern, which looks more like a yawning abyss. She takes a breath and enters through the wooden doors.

Once through, she sees a raucous, lively place, filled with colorful faces and personalities. What was it her superior had once said? "It looks like an easy place to commit suicide." For instance, if she were to ask the orc to her left if he had any spare teeth lying around, it would be suicide. If she were to ask the dwarf he was arm-wrestling with what the weather was like down there, she would commit suicide. If she asked the dark elf who was pouring out ales left, right, and center if she could borrow her ears for knives, she would commit suicide. "Yes," she mutters quietly to herself. "One could easily commit suicide if not too careful."

One who would probably not be committing suicide was Norimasa. The halfling dwarf has already situated himself at a table near the center, wherein he is strumming songs for an eager and expecting crowd. Sitting just nearby is a slim, fancily dressed young man with a mug of foaming ale. He signals the other party members.

"Come! Sit near me! I await to hear more from you!"

Jane, Corinda, Tevaga, and Gingko all exchange glances at one another. A man, sitting all by himself, after a tension-filled, largely uneventful cart ride?

"This seems suspicious," says Gingko out loud. He signals for Tevaga to occupy a table behind the man, make it seem like she wasn't really a part of their group, but also ready to pounce at a moment's notice. Norimasa is already blending in quite well. Which leaves Corinda, Gingko, and Jane by themselves. They make their way to the man in the center and take a seat across from him. He extends his arms.

"Welcome to the Slaughtered Lamb! We hope you're not vegetarians."

He laughs while the party all glances at one another. He indicates his chairs. "Come, come! Let's grab some chairs and talk." He snaps his fingers. "Barkeep, some drinks for my friends!"

The bartender worms her way through the crowd, bringing in three more foaming cups of ale. The man lifts his drink up. "So, I have heard of your escape from the Emperor's Talon! Truly, such a feat has not been made before. It's so..." he pauses. "...daring." He pauses to compose himself. "My apologies, I've forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Jubei. I'm here to act as an envoy for the resistance. But first, a drink!"

The party all looks at one another, hesitant to indulge in obviously suspicious circumstances. However, Gingko glances back at Jane and nods to her. Jane takes the drink reluctantly to her mouth and knocks it back.

* * *

 

"Roll for endurance." Hifumi stated. Makoto turned to in indignation. 

"Ren! I thought you said we were going to be all right!" 

"We are." Yusuke's deep, calm voice cut through them. "The songs I have been playing here have been endurance spells for you all. Gingko passed a note to me beforehand telling me to go into the tavern and do just that, just in case." Yusuke smiled. "I must say, it was a clever bit of thinking for our leader."

The team glanced at Hifumi, who smiled herself. "What a clever bit of role-playing Yusuke-kun. I'm quite impressed. Now, if we may get back to the story..."

* * *

 

Jubei stares agape as the three party members downed their drinks. "Th... those were three Aunt Robertas. They should have knocked you senseless!"

Corinda slams her hands on the table. "We already have no sense!"

Tevaga seated herself next to Jubei, her mighty muscles wrapping creating an intimidating sight. "And we no like being tricked."

"I will now play a Song of Truth," Norimasa says. "And you will tell us everything."

* * *

 

"INARI, NO!" But it was already too late. He cast his die, landing on a 17. Hifumi grinned a ferocious grin.

* * *

"Tell you everything, eh? Well, let's see. I suppose I must begin with my childhood: I never had much in the way of father figures, and my mother was out too often to provide a stable home environment..."

Everyone sighs. "You're buying us all drinks after this, you know that, right?" says Corinda. Norimasa says nothing. Jane sits cross-legged, thinking that even if she is a paladin, she too could use a drink about now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode.
> 
> I've been neglecting Yusuke and his comedy potential far too much, so I wanted this chapter to be centered around him. Also, hi! I know it's been nearly a month. I was actually halfway through writing a draft of this, nearly posted it, realized it didn't work at all, junked it, and started again. It's frustrating, but I think this one works better.
> 
> By the way, the suicide passage was inspired by the inimitable Sir Terry Pratchett and my favorite Discworld book, Men at Arms. If you haven't read it, you're sorely missing out.


	4. The GM Is a Cheating Bastard and Always Will Be

Makoto’s single memory of encountering Hifumi was a fond one. When they ran into one another at the bookstore with Ren, she was pleasant, intelligent, and eager to talk. The phrase that stuck around with her and kicked around in her head the most, however, was the phrase “sacrifice your pieces with no remorse.” Hifumi’s politeness and kindness were not fake, but they did hide the cold strategic side that took delight in crushing her enemies. A delight she could see made manifest by this tabletop RPG. Hifumi’s face was one of barely contained glee, the party seeming to have just scratched the surface of her sadistic plans to come. She was pressing her fingers together, a smile growing across her lips.

Across the table, the party was growing anxious. Futaba, while keeping an uncharacteristic level of icy calm, was glowering darkly at Yusuke. Yusuke, on the other hand, was cheerfully paying attention to the would-be assassin’s story, offering condolences and nods of sympathy when he (Hifumi speaking as him) told of his upbringing. Ren, as he did when nervous, gave off the best air of confidence he could. But to a close and observant friend like Makoto, he gave off the telltale signs of anxiety. His fingers were digging closely into the pits of his sleeves, his lopsided smirk was a bit _too_ lopsided, and his left eye was twitching. He pressed himself as far back as possible into the cushion of the chair, and was plainly itching for the story to get on. Haru, for her part, was always in character.

* * *

 

“TEVAGA IS MOVED BY PUNY MAN-THING’S STORY!” She declares, once again slamming her hands down on the table, “BUT WOULD IMPLORE HIM TO CUT TO THE CHASE.” She flexes her muscles, causing Jubei to flinch in fear.

“Ah, uh… yes so, that brings me to how I became an assassin in the first place,” says Jubei. The Party begins to perk up immediately. Gingko leans in with excitement. “Yes, yes?!”

“It was to wait for a party of men and women such as yourselves…”

“Yes…?”

“And keep you distracted long enough…”

“Uhhhh…”

“So that the Emperor’s party…”

“Wait, hang on…”

“Could properly ambush you!”

* * *

 

“Roll for initiative!”

Futaba slammed her hands down onto the table, even causing Haru to jump. “Did you plan this _whole_ thing out just so you could lure us into a trap?!”

Hifumi giggled and pressed her hands together. She handed Futaba a D20. “Roll. For. Initiative.”

Futaba glared daggers at the shogi queen, who continued to smile smugly. She pointed a finger across the table and spoke with a voice that was pure ice. “One day, Togo… I will have my vengeance.” Hifumi said nothing and resumed smirking.

“That day may come, young Corinda. But guess what? Today is not that day.”

The air positively glowed with animosity. Makoto felt her skin crawl. Futaba contained an anger that she never thought the hacker’s tiny body could handle. The hacker took the die and tossed it, eyes never leaving Hifumi’s face.

The battle is long and fraught, but eventually ends in a victory for the party. The final assassin is grilled by the party for information once again (and they make damn sure to be specific in their truth spell this time). They are told that they are being sought out as targets by the Emperor as punishment for their perceived rebellion against him. Their “escape” from prison was hardly a subtle one. This last fact causes no shortage of embarrassment. The assassin is reluctant to give out one last bit of info (the location of his leader), but an intimidating glare from Tevaga convinces him to tell otherwise.

“Go north,” he says. “There is a city in the north. There, you can find further answers you may seek. I can’t say that your journey to it will not be fraught with challenges. However, it may be worth the journey to continue.” He pauses. “You are, without a doubt, the shaggiest, most incompetent, loudest, sheerly stupid bunch of troglodytes who…”

“OK, that’s enough of the Truth spell.” Corinda turns to Norimasa. “I think now would be as good a time as any for us to take off.”

The halfling nods his head. “I wholeheartedly agree.” They leave the assassin with the local town sheriff and are then on their way. _This,_ Jane thinks, _is something she could do more of_ . _Just journeying with my teammates, fighting evil, all that good stuff._ They travel further through the forest, the only real crack in serenity coming from their serenading bard.

_The bravely bold dear party_

_Rode forth from the tavern_

_They were not afraid to die_

_Oh, that brave party_

_They were not…_

The bard is then grabbed by Corinda, her eyes once again flaring and full of anger. “I’m familiar with a band of minstrels that sang a similar tune. They were eaten by their party for being a nuisance, and there was much rejoicing. Tell me, would you care to join them?” Norimasa appeared to seriously consider this.

“I suppose not.”

“Excellent! Then we can continue on our merry way!” She turns and marches triumphantly away from the rest of the party. “If the word of that assassin is to be believed (and I have no reason to believe he shouldn’t be), then we shall march forward to the next town.” Jane, ever the voice of reason, raises her hand.

“Are you seriously prepared to take the word of a man who attempted to murder us? It just seems a bit farfetched to me that he would just give us directions like that without any sort of catch.”

Corinda stops and pauses to consider this. “His is the best word we have to go off of right now. We can’t really consider any other word beyond his at the moment. Still…” She pauses to reconsider her surroundings. Gingko raises his hand as well. “Before we arrive at the city, can we find another inn? We can’t go to that last one, of course, but maybe we can find one nearby. We should recover.” Corinda nods.

“Yeah, I mean, after that fight, we clearly should find something else.”

A small town awaits them in the next clearing. A small but peaceful place called Grima, it is a town that offers a few small sidequests and some means of respite. The town is made of some small cottages and features a small but bustling marketplace. Throughout the town, they see friendly waves and “good afternoons!” greet them. At the inn, however, they are greeted by a grumpy proprietress. She could best be described as the lovechild between a dragon and a battle-axe.

“How many?” she asks.

“F… four.” Jane stammers. (In the real world, Makoto privately marveled at Hifumi’s ability to change voices and personalities so distinctly and quickly.) The proprietress indicates the heroes to their rooms upstairs. Inside, they find comfortably furnished dwellings that were to their likings. Soft, warm beds and tasteful cabinets decorate all of their rooms. Each member removes their weapons and make themselves situated for bed when…

* * *

 

“Roll for initiative!”

At this point, even Ren jumped up in anger. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE ATTACKING US?!”

Hifumi let out a diabolical cackle. “You fools. Did you not not know? ‘Grima’ is a German word for mask. I gave you a hint right there and you all still fell for it! The whole town is made out of eight Mimics and four Doppelgangers!” She let out another cackle. This wasn’t the Hifumi Makoto had briefly met in the bookstore. This Hifumi was a sadistic monster, not only actively trolling her players, but taking delight in doing so. Angrily, Ren grabbed a D20.

“This isn’t over Togo…”

Hifumi laughed and cocked her head. “Oh, is that so? You are my pawns here. To be sacrificed for any reasons I see fit!” She laughed once again.

The Phantom Thieves all exchanged looks. Hifumi controlled their dice, controlled their lives, and controlled their players. Ren gazed at Yusuke, who gave him a nod. He gazed to Futaba, who gave him a kiss on the cheek, and nodded as well. Makoto turned to Haru, who let out a smile herself. And Makoto gazed at the D20 on the table. Of course, she realized, as a paladin it was her duty to fight injustice and smite evil. She gazed at the cackling Dungeon Master once again. And this was one source of evil that needed to be smited.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all thought this was dead, didn't you?! Nope, it was only in a coma. Seriously though: I'm so sorry this took so long. This story has been kicking around in the back of my head for the past six months, and now I'm finally struck with inspiration. I'm so happy to finally update it again, even if I'm not wholly satisfied with the story.


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